For a very long time I struggled with the desire to grow and the dealing with the reality of it. During my early 20's I managed to gain about 30 lbs, but got scared of the reactions I was getting, and I didn't have a strong enough self image to commit to becoming the person that I felt I was meant to be. It was a pretty discouraging time for me in the sense I felt like I was living a lie - but developed a certain amount of comfort and happiness as I could still talk about it with people I was intimate with.
But then my financial situation changed and I got to a point where I could be independent enough to be able to embrace the fat guy I always felt I was meant to be.
When I started to gain, it was still a pretty intimidating experience, and it took a lot of willpower and thick skin to accept myself and not give a damn what others thought. I kind of likened it to a tough break up - you get better and accustomed to the situation and learn to accept it. The fatter I got, the more I got comfortable with my gains. I think when I was around 250 lbs, I felt like there was no turning back and it felt like a huge weight (irony not intended) was taken off my mind.
Maybe the weight of the guilt I had going on in my head decided to make a new home everywhere else inside of me.